My Little Girl
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I got Anna when I was 18. I had just moved out of my parents’ house and on the outside I was a strong, independent, and ready to take on the world woman. On the inside, I was a little scared, lonely, and unprepared to handle all of the decisions one has to make when suddenly given so much freedom. I bought Anna at a pet store before I knew that most pet store dogs come from puppy mills and that rescuing an animal was a much better alternative. I went into a back room with five little dogs. A couple Yorkies, two Maltese pups, and one Chihuahua. The other four dogs didn’t seem to care that I was there.  One went and did circles in the corner, another chased its tail, and two others barked at people walking by. Anna, on the other hand, walked her tiny 1.5 pound body over to my lap. I put my hand under her and she walked up to my neck. She curled into a little ball and fell asleep with my hand under her body. She chose me and I promised to give her a life filled with cuddles, toys, good food, and a warm bed.

What I couldn’t have possibly known at that time was how much Anna would give back to me. 

She came to work with me even though pets weren’t allowed on the lot. Kindly, most security guards turned a blind eye to us. Ridiculously, she went to movie premiers with me and sleep in my lap while the movie played. She was a natural model. She loved to have her picture taken and we did several photo shoots together. When she was full-grown she weighed 8 pounds but when Anna looked in the mirror she saw a lioness. She was tough, resilient, always energetic, and not super girly. She didn’t like it when I put bows in her hair so I didn’t do it. She refused to stay clean after a bath and opted to roll in dirty grass almost immediately. Begrudgingly, I always let her. She heard all of my deepest secrets and saw all of my mistakes and never hesitated to love me anyway. She had horrible breath. I’m going to miss waking up to the smell of garbage, only to realize it was just Anna’s warm breath on my cheek. 

When she was 8 she developed kidney disease. We put her on medicine and she was healthy. With medicine, her kidney levels were within normal range for 4 years. Then she went into kidney failure and she needed a few more medicines. Five, to be exact. She took them all like a champ and if she had a day where her dog food didn’t seem appetizing, I could always rely on cheese to get the meds down. I’ve never known anyone to love cheese as much as Anna. She would come running from anywhere in the house at the sound of a Kraft single wrapper.

A few weeks ago, on December 22nd, Anna had a mini-stroke. I unknowingly watched it happen.  One second she was on the grass and the next second she had rolled over onto her hip while going to the bathroom. I didn’t think too much of it and brought her in to rest. When she woke up from a nap about an hour later, she couldn’t hold herself up. I took her to the emergency room and they told me that her left side had lost mobility but hopefully she would get it back.  Not surprisingly, my resilient baby girl was able to start walking a bit by the end of the day. She couldn’t jump onto the couch, or into my lap, anymore but she could still get around well. I put rugs down all over the house so she wouldn’t lose her balance on my hard floors and I picked her up to sleep on her favorite spot in the house; on a blanket at the very top of the couch. I could only let her sit there if I sat in front of her because we worried she might fall. Her mobility was decent but her brain didn’t recover as well. She seemed dazed and her beloved walks outside became challenging. She didn’t know what she was supposed to do out there. She just stared awkwardly at neighbors’ homes and never wanted to go back inside. We made quite a few trips to the emergency room, the neurologist, and our regular vet’s office. Monday, January 7th was the last time she ate. Dog food, chicken, beef, eggs, peanut butter, and even cheese repulsed her. She started vomiting in the morning. We checked her kidney values and they had skyrocketed since September. We hospitalized her hoping that an IV with fluids and medicine might flush her kidneys out and give her the strength she needed to bounce back. She never did. My lioness’ body was shutting down and after all she had given to me, my final gift to her was relieving her of any pain. I held my angel in my arms last night and put her down. We were at home. She was wrapped in a blanket and all of my love.  She was calm and at peace.  She was ready to see me walk this world as an adult without her. I cannot imagine life without my little girl.

Anna, thank you for holding my hand for the last 13.5 years.  We grew up together and became adults together. You taught me responsibility, selflessness, and so much more. I already miss your garbage breath, your incessant need for belly scratches, your impossibly soft fur, the sound of your collar as you walk across the room, your bark, your kisses, your snoring, and most of all, staring into your eyes and telling you “I love you,” over and over again. Your blanket will remain at the top of the couch and the left side of the bed will always be yours. Life will never be the same without you but you’ve prepared me well. I will go forward and be a lioness, just as you would have wanted.

xo

Photo credit: Ashley Concolino. A Picture Life Photography.

Education

I am officially a college graduate! I took my last two undergraduate finals today and I am so happy, relieved, and proud. Yeah, I’m super proud of myself. :)

I went back to school four years ago at 27 years old. I had attempted to go a couple times before then, even going so far as to take my placement exams and sign up for classes, but I could never follow through and actually go. I was too afraid of being the old lady in class, of being whispered about, and especially of not remembering how to do simple math equations. After my 27th birthday, I made the decision to stop letting fear be a factor in fulfilling my dreams and living the life I wanted, so with a little encouragement from friends and family, I enrolled. And I went. I went every day and took copious notes and studied my little old lady heart out.  Yes, I was sometimes the oldest person in class, I was whispered about many times, and I did forget how to do a few math equations.  But I persevered and sometimes I wasn’t the oldest person in class, some of the whisperers became good friends, and I did so well in math, I even became a tutor. 

I am a very fortunate person and have been lucky to do many exciting things and to fulfill so many of my dreams but graduating from college is easily among my proudest achievements in life. I hope that if any of you are in school or thinking about going to school, or have wanted to go to school for a long time but just keep finding reasons to put it off, you will listen to me when I tell you…go. Go for yourself. You CAN do it. I know you have to work… I had to work too. For the last seven months I worked 35 hours a week and took 8 units in summer school and 12 units in fall. For the three years before that, I was hosting a show and could only take Monday/Wednesday classes. YOU CAN DO IT.  Yes, it will be difficult, very difficult. You will lose a lot of social time (shout outs to all my friends I’ve barely seen in the last four years!) and you will wonder why you decided to do this whole school thing again. But you will gain so much more in the long run. Stick it out. Persevere. You’ll be so thankful you did.  I know I am.

Fans

Fan. I hate that word. The word fan comes from the word “fanatic” and I don’t like thinking of anyone that way. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate those of you who support me and have given me words of encouragement and stories about how I may have impacted your life. But I don’t think of you as “fans.” I think of you as friends I haven’t met who have incredible taste. ;) 

With that said, I would like to ask you all a favor. If and when you ever see me in person, please come up and say hello. By all means, ask to take a picture with me. I have said no to people on two occasions; I was leaving a funeral or I was coming home from a 4:30am workout. Otherwise, I have ALWAYS taken a picture with someone. I am a nice person but that doesn’t mean I don’t have boundaries, however. The fastest way to cross what I consider to be a basic human boundary, is trying to take a picture of me (or anyone), without asking, with your cell phone… preferably while they’re eating. 

That’s what happened last night (and many times before then). I don’t know why people don’t realize I know cell phones have cameras or why people don’t think I can tell when they awkwardly hold their phone in my direction, but they do. In my opinion, there are few things more rude than trying to take a picture of someone without their knowledge. Especially when they are eating!

Last night I went to a restaurant and ordered delicious wings. Just when I was fully invested in them and had sauce all over my face and fingers, the guy sitting in front of me held up his camera and tried to take a picture of himself with me sitting behind him (reverse camera view). I started ducking behind the menus on the table so I could clean the chicken sauce off my face but he didn’t stop. He was waving his camera around like a mad man trying to find my face. When I had successfully wiped off my face, I went over to him and said, “Would you like to take a picture? I’d rather we do it now so that you can stop trying to take my picture without me knowing.” His response? “No. I didn’t want to take your picture.  I just wanted to know if it was you but didn’t want to be rude and keep turning around to look.” Riiiiiiiiiight. I don’t know about you but I call baloney that story. 

There will be some people who call me ungrateful for this post. “You should just be happy people want to take your picture at all.” There really isn’t anything I can say to that because most people think that people wanting your autograph or picture must be the BEST feeling in the world. But being treated like a respected human being, not a monkey in a cage at the zoo, feels ten times better. Moral of the story is that I will almost ALWAYS take a picture with you if you ask me. If you don’t ask me, I may call you out and complain about you on Tumblr someday. Either way, I still appreciate you. 

Danielle